it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
