Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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