I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
