just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
