So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
