Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize