Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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