i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
