Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
