Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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