Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Ketchup is God's man juice
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
