I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
