you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize