lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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