I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Im part way to drunk.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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