I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
