if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
