the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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