Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
