I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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