my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize