can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
