I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Even my vagina gasped.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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