yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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