i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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