So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
whose parrot is this?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
