it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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