it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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