My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
