Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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