You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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