I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
