You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
pray to the hookup gods
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
