I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
