Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
