Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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