She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
