she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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