can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
