whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
