i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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