You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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