dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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