coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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