I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
