Soap is not a condiment
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
