Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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