It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
