an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
