My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
