You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
