I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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