he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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