If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
